When I had sex with a partner, I could never allow to fully open myself for him. For some reason, my pride could not give that satisfaction to a man to see me in a state of enjoying him pleasuring me. I saw it as a kind of disgrace or shame to my feminist side, which was strongly saying no to ANY man. At the same time, I saw pleasuring men as a disgrace to me as a woman. I saw men as dominators, as people who defiled women, and sex as something primitive.
These are the words of a pre-orgasmic client of mine, in retrospect of her past relationships.
If you are a woman reading this, consider completing the following sentence just spontaneously: “Men are…..”
Did something dismissive come to your mind? It could stem from your teenage years.
When sexuality, or rather, longing for the object of our sexual desires, awakens, in our teens, it can be a force that outshines all our other desires, and makes us CHANGE. Pre-teen boys and girls often dislike each other quite a bit. Puberty brings about an insatiable curiosity in our own and the other’s sexuality and genitals.
My theory is that we need to steer clear of our curiosity for our OWN sexuality if we want to inhibit our sexual urges, and prevent from getting entangled in love and lust.
We can not allow ourselves to surrender to ourselves, when masturbating, because it might bring up longing for a partner.
Sexuality is seen as the root of all evil, and independence can only be maintained by putting a stop to sexuality altogether.
A mistrust of men in general could be due to negative experiences in their childhood, abuse or violence, or negative statements or behaviours of their mothers about men and sexuality.
Heterosexual women who are pre-orgasmic (i.e. never experienced an orgasm yet, even when masturbating) sometimes have a deep seated mistrust of men in general, which may be the root cause of their issue.
The good news, it can all be addressed and healed, even later in life.
Here is my client again:
This time, the rebellious side is more quiet in me, and as I allowed myself to enjoy him pleasuring me, I could just enjoy it without being judgmental. Seeing my enjoyment encouraged him to give more of himself, and get over his own barriers. When I noticed that I wanted to give him the same, and pleasure him. Seeing him happy was satisfying me, and made me want to give him even more, which made us feeling closer to each other. That was just beautiful!
I see we have to give ourselves to each other, and at the same time enjoy ourselves, and that’s how it should be. Before, for some reason, I could not allow a man to know that I care about him.