3 reasons why Great Sex will never (Ever!) stay the Same

Great Sex

Wanting to hang on to the good stuff – Great Sex! 

When Sex is great, we want to hang on to it, and may get angry or fearful of every sign of change. How can we make great sex last? 

Great Sex is All you have with each other

You may be just super compatible with each other, sexually. You have a lot of chemistry, and sparks are flying whenever you get down and dirty – and you do so frequently. Your bodies just seem to fit together. However, in all other areas in your life, you just keep clashing, and fight constantly. You may have different communication styles, different cultural backgrounds, different philosophies and goals or core beliefs or attitudes about how you live life. The make up sex is great, but you simply don’t seem to have anything else in common! This relationship may be going on for a long time, but it’s not sustainable, and will end eventually. 

In Love with each other, in a new relationship! Sex is superb.

You may have found a new partner, and sex feels great, like never before. This may occur after a long sexless relationship, or maybe you have been dating for ages, or had relationships where sex wasn’t so great, or where the relationship part didn’t work out. Or maybe it’s your first ever proper relationship, and sex is just unbelievably good. At last! You feel in heaven, finally. That’s a great sign! Chemistry can carry you through a lot, and great sex can be the ‘glue’ for your relationship, but it mustn’t be the only leg it’s standing on. New relationship energy can feel like being on drugs – you are on top of the world! Willing to enter the next phase? Once the natural feel-good hormones are subsiding, usually some time after 6 months or 2 years, we may notice negative traits of our partner, and may get annoyed, or angry with them. When we have the willingness and communication skills to face issues together, even constricting emotions, we reach new levels of intimacy. Sex will feel different, but still full of the recent experience. At this stage (if you haven’t yet), you may need to communicate about likes and dislikes and turn-ons, so that sex can evolve in sync with your relationship. 

In a long-term relationship, and have just discovered a new way of being sexual with each other? Great! 

While sex can be great throughout an entire relationship, it won’t be the same kind of sex you engage in all the time. Eroticism and turn-ons thrive on novelty, so even (or especially!) if you are monogamous, you need to frequently ask yourself: “What could be even better than this?” There may be a considerable amount of fear around this question, which has to do with rocking the boat. This leads to ‘good enough’ sex, ‘maintenance’ sex, but never great sex. You may think that that’s all there is, and that you need to put up with it. I can assure you that that’s not the case. Addressing sexual desires in a relationship takes some courage, but owning up to our desires and communication with our partners about it is a great way to enhance intimacy, and finding even better ways to be sexual with each other. One way to find out about and to address desires is for each of you to research erotic material individually, to look at what turns you on, and then to get together, and to talk about it. Another way is to step back from sex, and to communicate about touch. I use the Wheel of Consent (Betty Martin), to coach couples about touch, among many other tools, like sensation play, and taking turns. This will make things exciting in the bedroom, because you have a greater range of touch and communication tools to draw on. 

Curious? Book your initial online Somatic Sex Coaching session for you and your partner here.