Date Night In? Touch doesn’t equal foreplay!

Date Night In? Touch doesn’t equal foreplay!

Part 2: Touch without hidden foreplay agendas

Hidden foreplay agendas behind touch offers

‘Do you fancy a massage?’ Physical touch between partners is often seen as sex foreplay, a ‘way towards sex’. We then offer to give physical touch when really we are hoping to receive something else – sex. With hidden and unspoken agendas, we are immediately in murky territory. In long term relationships, there may be a silent agreement about what’s behind touch and massage offers. However, one partner might really fancy what’s openly on offer – a massage for instance – but declines, because there is the unspoken agenda for sex to follow. Whenever a route to sex is created and followed frequently, it becomes predictable, which is not sexy in itself, and can be a passion killer.

How do you initiate sex without sex foreplay?

So – how do you initiate sex? It can be very off-putting to be offered sex directly, without any erotic prelude. ‘I’m really horny – should we have sex?’, may not be too appealing, particularly when we have just come home from work, and are in a very different state of mind. This is where seduction skills come in, to create eroticism. Long term partners often underestimate the need for seduction skills. But that’s for another blog post!

Creative touch, however, can have a place in the relationship for its own sake, and is a way to be intimate. It does not need to be sex foreplay. 

It can be immensely freeing to really just touch for touch’s sake. All of a sudden, we can feel safe to engage. 

And you can of course still talk abut the option of sex afterwards – it’s just not a one way street. 

Want a naked cuddle? Even a steamy one does not have to lead to sex. Once we realise that there is no one way street, that we can pick and choose and be truly authentic in our desires, both touch and sex improve. 

Nothing is less erotic than a predictable (and too often travelled) route to sex.

Couple’s Touch practice for long nights in (not a foreplay agenda)

In my previous blogpost, I wrote about taking turns, and finding rhythms, and interesting areas to touch and explore. Now we take turns again, but they are much more fluid and playful. I would recommend for one partner to sit up, and kneel next to their partner if possible, and the other one to lie down on their side, facing away, with one knee bent for stability, ideally on a large bed. 

Start with one hand on your partner’s body, maybe the waist area, and coordinating breath. Then, let your hands wander to their pelvis, and start to gently push with the heel of your hand, into a very slow rocking movement. You can extend this to their buttocks, and gradually get faster/more intense. Let your partner adjust their position, if needs be. 

Then, thread your arm underneath theirs, and cup their shoulder with both hands. Opt for gentle horizontal circles for their shoulder. You can then do that with your underneath arm only, and use the other one to massage their shoulder blade, which is moving, too. 

Then, take your arm out, and see how you can use your body to rock them. You can face them, or not. Be playful! 

Obviously, the other partner can always give feedback, and can move or speak out if something is uncomfortable. 

The receiving partner then becomes more and more active, and pushes back, until, eventually, the giving partner finds themselves on their side, and starts to receive, as above. 

What I love about this practice are the dynamics which involve tuning in, and a gentle start, so that both partners can deeply relax and connect, both with themselves and each other, before getting more wild and playful. They then find back to that same tuning in and gentle start when changing over.

Don’t consider this a foreplay, so you can either stop afterwards, or go into seduction and sex. Up to you both!

Try it out? Enjoy! 

You can invite me on zoom for your date night in, for erotic and touch skills. More info and booking here. 

Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arena