How to initiate Sex with your Partner?

How to initiate Sex with your Partner?

How do you initiate sex with your partner?

If your answer is ’never’, you either have a partner who initiates all the time, or maybe neither of you does, and sex hasn’t happened for a while. In long term sexual relationships, it’s so important to feel desired, and one way to sense that is when your partner initiates sex. Initiating sex is unfortunately also one of the great conundrums in relationships, and it sometimes involves all kinds of flailing around, passive aggressiveness, score keeping and vengefulness, simply because our desires vary, and our love languages may be different from each other. Book me for a Zoom session if you need help to communicate better.

Can’t I just say: “Shall we have Sex?”

It’s a straightforward question, and it can have two effects: Your partner is pleasantly surprised and feels thrilled and turned-on!  Alternatively, they feel really annoyed. People of all genders can (and do!) ask this question. Here is the issue: if touch is your partner’s love language, they may feel put off by you just bluntly initiating sex verbally, without you doing anything to turn them on first! They may also just be doing chores, or other work, completely unrelated to sex, and may therefore simply not ‘feel it’ in this particular moment. A number of couples therefore initiate physical closeness first, to gage whether their partner is up for more, and then ask this question. Or a more camouflaged version of it.

Initiating sex with your partner, the not so subtle way…

People of all genders initiate sex by reaching out and touching their partner’s primary erogenous zones out of the blue, or doing not so subtle suggestive movements with their pelvis. As a man or other penis owner, you probably won’t get away with this, so it’s not a good idea! Men also tell their female partners off for that same behaviour, which can come across as very intrusive, and not funny at all. Check in with your partner if this features for you.

The role of intimacy for initiating sex

There is a general saying that women need to feel close to want sex, and men need to have sex to feel close. You will probably find that this is true in reverse at times, but be aware that the feeling of closeness may be paramount for your partner before being able to wholeheartedly consent to sex. Are you into makeup sex after an argument? There are people who would recoil from the very idea. They may need a lot of honesty and trust, and need differences to be worked out verbally before they can consent to sexual intimacy.

Seduction skills to initiate sex

Fancy a revival of eroticism? Eroticism is the anticipation of sex, and can be very hot! Sexting is one way to get your partner in the mood. As with all attempts of initiation, it’s really important to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and be realistic! If she has an important presentation at work, she is unlikely to respond positively to your sexting. Similarly, don’t put lingerie on and invade your partner’s home office when he really likes his peace and focus on work. Eye contact is so important for eroticism, as is playing with proximity and distance. Play with the ‘almost’ – almost touching, almost kissing. For women, it’s sometimes important to feel physically safe, and she might need a firm, long and non-intrusive hug before she is ready for eroticism. Touch skills are important – you want to touch slowly and deliberately. Fancy a sensual undressing, with a change of dynamics in the middle? You may also want to take charge, consensually, and tell your partner what you are going to do to them – before you do it. Enjoy!

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