How to talk to your Partner about Sex? Do’s and Don’ts!

How to talk to your Partner about Sex? Do’s and Don’ts!

How to talk to your partner about sex?

A great number of couples never do talk about sex! Just to clarify, this is not about initiating sex – that’s for another blogpost – but rather initiating conversations about likes, dislikes, and possibilities. Why would you need to talk to your partner about sex in the first place?

Making Sex more interesting!

Is sex with your partner getting a bit same-ish? It may be difficult to change a long-standing bedroom routine without talking about it first. Especially when you want to introduce a new toy, technique or position: your partner may feel overwhelmed, or worse, take it as criticism, when this is addressed during lovemaking. Don’t have the conversation in bed – talk to your partner about sex in the living room, fully clothed.

Sex has not been happening for a while, and attempts have been thwarted?

There may be a considerable amount of guilt and shame about sex that just isn’t happening for some reason. Guilt and shame are not conducive for well-being, that’s why talking to your partner about sex is crucial! When you share a bed, you may want to de-couple sex from your sleeping arrangements, make physical touch dates instead (day times are good!) and put them in the diary. That way, your partner will relax when you kiss and cuddle them at night, because they can rest assured it’s not going to lead to sex.

Don’t talk to your partner about sex like this

  • Don’t try to change anything major while in the act. You can give (mostly positive) feedback and change details, or try a position you’ve tried before.
  • Don’t talk about changing things right after orgasm, or making love. That time is sacred, and should be dedicated to the afterglow. Try to remember positive things instead, and whisper them to your beloved.
  • Don’t criticise. People get defensive and shut down when they hear criticism, and it can be very hurtful to hear criticism about sex, which is such a core activity, and means of bonding and love. They also tend to stop listening when they perceive criticism, simply for self defence.

How to start a conversation about sex?

Get close to your partner – don’t shout over from the other end of the room, or from the hall. Use their pet name! ‘Hey honey, I would really love to talk to you about something important.’ Tell them you want to talk about sex with them, smile, and ask them if now would be a good time? Smile again, and reassure them that it’s really just talking (not initiating). Make a time frame – 20 minutes perhaps? Then, stick to it, or renegotiate. Don’t ever make anything sound like criticism. Start with all the positive things about your partner’s body, how sexy you find them, and recall all the great sexy times you had in the past. Then, voice a request or suggestion, and ask how they would feel about it? Give them time and space to answer, even if you need to reschedule the conversation. Keep the conversation constructive by making it clear that you want your relationship to be better, for both of you. If conversations about sex tend to take bad turns regularly, book me for a couple’s session, and I can help you understand each other better.

Talking about sex can lead to more intimacy

In order for our relationship to grow, we need intimacy. Intimacy relies on honesty. Where is our partner at? What do they enjoy? What would they like more of? Even in long term relationships, we can only find out details once we let go of assumptions about our partner, and ask them. Talking to your partner about sex is a chance to deepen your connection, and find more intimacy with each other. Enjoy!

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