I don’t feel like having Sex after our Child was born

It was the early nineties, a time when people would still ring unexpectedly via landline. My friend had just become a mother, of her firstborn, and gave me a call. She sounded happy, in a new way, cooing with her baby present. I wish I had been able to able to see – it was on the phone, after all. Soon I noticed that it was impossible to have any conversation with her that resembled any we might have had previously. She seemed in an altered state, very blissed out, madly in love with this new being, and both in a world of their own. I have since witnessed this profound change with a number of my friends, and also saw it in public: The intense love affair new mothers often have with their first one, in a protective bubble of ecstasy and sweetness, oblivious to anyone around. ‘Becoming a mother altered me, my self, my mind, my thought processes, my relationships, my career… in short it altered my everything – in a way I was not at all ready for. ‘ says Stephanie, family editor at Goodto. She describes the phenomenon of matrescence, becoming a mother. Not only has she given birth to her baby, she has also given birth to herself as a mother. While not everyone experiences motherhood in this way, and while postpartum depression is also a very real thing, it’s not surprising that new mothers don’t feel like having sex. Even after the four to six weeks postpartum abstinence recommended by most doctors and midwives – they are just not up for it any more.

Feeling Distant from your Partner

It’s actually quite common to feel distant from your partner, in this hugely transformative and often very stressful time. The majority of new parents in the UK find that they were not prepared well for having a baby, and dwindling sex life is top of the list of complaints. According to this article, a fifth of relationships break apart in the first year after a baby is born. While women need to feel emotionally close to have sex, men often need to have sex to feel emotionally close, and it’s hard for them to feel that their partner is emotionally distant. For the new mum, sleep deprivation and sore nipples may mean sex is the last thing she has on her mind. They just don’t feel like having sex after their baby was born. This is not an easy time, and it makes a difference to have family and friends around for support, and share the workload with the new baby. While it helps to be prepared, rest assured that for about a third of couples there is no drop in happiness after having a baby.

Vaginas and Breasts Postpartum

If you had a vaginal birth, you may have had a tear or episiotomy and stitches, and they need 4 weeks or so to heal. Resuming penetrative sex can feel painful even after that time, and you may want to use plenty of high quality lube. Are you breastfeeding? You may feel that your breasts have become the milk bar for your baby, and it may feel strange to make them available for sexual turn on again. What worked before in terms of turn-on may not work at all any more, and it’s crucial to develop communication skills about touch. The most important factor is mutual respect, and patience. Get help if it’s all becoming too much. That said, all of the above may not be the case. Some women have easy births, no tearing (episiotomies are usually standard, though), and feel confident and happy to resume sex soon.

Patience and Communication

With sleep interrupted at night and the huge chance in life circumstances, patience may be hard to come by. If you can, develop communication skills and habits before the child is born. Make an appointment with each other at a time when both of you are fairly rested, and when baby is sleeping. Set a timer for each of you to speak, uninterrupted for maybe 5 minutes. Don’t take offence, and try to refrain from blame and resentment. Speak about your own experience. Don’t expect your partner to know what’s going on with you, and don’t assume you know what’s going on with them. Be curious, and listen. Repeat, so that each of you gets two turns at least. I have seen huge changes happening just by one partner via really grasping where the other one is at, and finding back to love and emotional intimacy. This can pave the way towards the new mother being open for sex again, and happy to engage in it.

Photo by Luiza Braun on Unsplash