My girlfriend has a new lover. She is all excited, and tells me about their lovemaking. ‘OMG, we just couldn’t stop!’, she says. ‘It was soooo exciting, felt so good, and didn’t hurt at all!’ I remember past boyfriends of hers she told me about, where she didn’t speak out about the excruciatingly painful sex she had, and just wondered how he couldn’t notice that her face was streaming with tears, of pain, not of pleasure overwhelm. Once we experience sex as painful, a vicious cycle can lead to the body tensing up as soon as penetration is imminent, which really doesn’t help, of course. Painful Vaginal Sex can of course have a number of reasons. Not all women have a hymen, which can break at first time sex (often painful), but there is usually a so-called corona, a narrow place just beyond the vaginal entrance. When vaginismus is present (an involuntary cramping of the vaginal muscles), this can feel like a brick wall, making penetration impossible. There are a number of other reasons for painful sex, such as injuries to the vaginal wall, STI’s, lack of lubrication, pelvic inflammation, or nerve issues like pudendal neuralgia. Unless there is a medical issue that needs to be taken care of, one way to overcome tension in the vagina is changing our mindset. Vaginal intercourse should only happen when the woman is highly aroused and lubricated, either naturally, or with applied lube, however it really helps to take an active role. Tell your partner that you will decide when penetration is right for you, if at all. When practising with dilators, it might help to lower your body onto them, rather than trying to push them in. Similarly, seek out a position where you are on top, and control the depth of penetration. Think of your vagina as a cute but voracious animal tasting food, and swallowing, be proactive, and move. Another point to consider, dealing with painful sex sometimes has to do with acknowledging constricting emotions, and feeling them fully. I have often seen breakthroughs to painless sex via that in my practice. Issues with painful sex, or want to share an experience? I may be able to help. Drop me a line, Stella@StellaWithLove.com. Image by rawpixel