1. Make sexy plans before sexy occasions, and think ahead
Has sex become a bit predictable? Rather than throwing a fit while you are at it, why not become creative in the times in-between sex? Relationship therapist Esther Perel says that ‘foreplay starts after your last orgasm’ . If there is a sexy fantasy you would like to try out, talk to your partner about it. Make time, and settle down, get close and cosy, and ask if you can share something that turns you on. Describe it in more general terms, before going into details, and gauge by their response whether they might be interested.
2. Giving Feedback without our partner getting Defensive
When we open our bodies and hearts to each other, we are in a very special and vulnerable place. Criticism can shell-shock our partners, and may cause great damage to their trust. Instead, speak out in ways that do not sound like criticism, or silently move their hand or your body into better places. You can take their hand and show them what you like. Please do immediately speak out when you are in pain, stop what your are doing, speak gently and firmly, and then re-engage in a way that feels better.
3. Take turns to practice giving and receiving constructive feedback
- Inviting feedback is very different from receiving unsolicited advice. Allocate 20 minutes for your partner to receive touch, and ask them to speak out about their likes and dislikes. Make them responsible for communicating about their touch preferences.
- Ask: “Like this?” and “How can this be even better?” Then, swap around. Another great consequence of this is space to find out new things we enjoy, taking agency on behalf of our pleasure, and vocabulary that actually gets across what we mean. It also helps our partners – they are probably trying hard to give us what we want. Let’s make it easier for them to give feedback, and avoid killing the mood.