How to Feel Confident During Sex: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and Embracing Pleasure

Have you ever been in the middle of a sexual experience and suddenly thought, “Wait—what do I look like right now?”
If that sounds familiar, you’re definitely not alone. One of the most common things clients share with me—especially women—is this:

“When I’m having sex, I can’t stop thinking about how I look. I avoid certain positions, like being on top, because I get so self-conscious. I just want to enjoy it, but I can’t get out of my head.”

Sound relatable? You’re in good company. And here’s the reassuring part: you can learn how to feel confident during sex. Whether you’re worrying about your body, your performance, or just trying to please your partner, there’s a way back to presence—and to pleasure.

Are You Watching Yourself Instead of Feeling?

There’s actually a name for this common experience. It’s called spectatoring, a term coined by sex researchers in the 1960s. It describes when you mentally step outside your body and start watching yourself, as if you’re performing rather than participating.

You might catch yourself thinking things like:

• Do I look okay from this angle?
• Should I be making more noise?
• Why did they stop—was I doing it wrong?

These thoughts might seem small, but they pull you out of the moment—and away from your own pleasure. Instead of feeling, you’re performing. And often, both partners end up guessing what the other wants instead of staying connected.

When we’re focused on how we appear rather than how we feel, it becomes much harder to enjoy intimacy. The good news? The key to how to feel confident during sex lies in returning to your body and anchoring yourself in what feels good.

Want to dive deeper into spectatoring? Here’s a great article that explores it.

Why Touch Matters: The Role of Communication

Let’s zoom in on one area that comes up a lot in sessions: breast touch.

Many women I work with have very specific preferences when it comes to how their breasts are touched. Some love nipple stimulation, some don’t. Some prefer gentle caresses; others enjoy firmer pressure. Even the direction of touch—upward vs. downward strokes—can make a big difference.

And here’s the thing: when something doesn’t feel right, it’s easy for self-doubt to creep in. You might start wondering:

• Why doesn’t this feel good?
• Should I say something?
• Is it my fault I’m not enjoying this?

All of this can lead you further from the confidence and pleasure you deserve.

Here’s what I recommend:

• Guide your partner kindly and clearly. You might gently take their hand and show them what you enjoy, or use kind, supportive words to describe it.
• Be open and non-critical. Your partner likely wants to please you—they just might need a little help getting it right.

Clear, compassionate communication is one of the most empowering tools in creating fulfilling, connected sex. When you advocate for what feels good, you’re not just enhancing your experience—you’re building intimacy and trust.

Coming Up Next…

In my next post, I’ll be sharing simple, embodied practices to help you stay grounded, tune into your body, and experience more joy in the moment.

If you’ve been struggling with how to feel confident during sex, know this: it’s a skill you can grow. And you don’t have to do it alone.

Explore my coaching services or book a free discovery call—I’d love to support you in reclaiming pleasure and presence in your intimate life.