Understanding Changes in Libido
I keep myself updated on menopause, both professionally and personally, but I must admit, the topic can sometimes lead to ‘menopause fatigue’ with its repetitive discussions on HRT and physical symptoms. Yet, it’s the unique stories that catch my attention—like a friend who surprisingly boosted their libido with testosterone (not sure about side effects of this…) or another who found new sexual energy through Tantra at 66.
Libido Declining?
For many post-menopausal individuals, libido gently declines. It’s crucial to communicate these changes to your partner. My colleague Ruby May shares her experiences with dating without libido, but what if you’re in a relationship and need to discuss your altered desire?
- Acknowledge the Change: “What I need sexually isn’t the same these days,” could be a way to start. Understand that for some partners, moving away from penetrative sex might feel like a rejection.
- The Impact on Relationships: Menopause can lead to less frequent sexual activity, but ignoring your partner’s sexual needs or avoiding conversation isn’t fair. Discuss boundaries and consider if external sexual fulfilment for your partner is something you’re open to.
Having Conversations about Sex
- Choose the Right Moment: Avoid discussing sex in bed unless it’s about immediate preferences. Wait for a relaxed, happy moment. “Hey honey, I’d like us to chat about sex. No worries, nothing awful. It should take about 30 minutes. Is now good?”
- Clarify Intentions: Make it clear you’re talking, not initiating sex. Reassure your partner: “I love our lovemaking, I just want to talk about enhancing it.”
- Be Prepared for Reactions: Your partner might take changes personally or worry about criticism. Address this by affirming your love and desire for mutual satisfaction.
Responsive Desire and Its Role
- Initiating Matters: The manner of initiation can be key. A simple “Shall we have sex?” might not work without some prelude of touch or affection.
- Allow Time: If you’re not feeling spontaneous desire, give yourself time during the encounter to warm up to the idea.
- Plan Ahead: Scheduling intimacy can seem unromantic, but it allows for preparation, setting the mood, or even exploring new sensations through toys or erotic media. For ethical, curated content, I suggest checking out “Make Love Not Porn” by Cindy Gallop.
Make Sex Even Better?
- Back to Basics: Lower libido can be an opportunity for rediscovering touch. Communicate preferences and explore non-primary erogenous zones.
- Cuddle Parties Experience: I recall a cuddle party where non-sexual touch was the focus, yet it felt incredibly sensual, highlighting how touch can be erotic in unexpected ways.
Bossy Massage for Couples
- Take Control: In my sessions with couples, I recommend the ‘bossy massage’ where the receiver directs every touch. Set a timer for each turn, and use phrases like “Like this?” for clear communication.
- Explore Sensations: From featherlight touches to breath play, from long strokes to specific nerve points, discover what feels best.
- Enjoy and Learn: This practice can deepen connection, surprise you with new sensations, and enhance your intimacy.
By embracing these changes with open communication, you can not only navigate post-menopause libido but also enrich your relationship with newfound understanding and pleasure.