How to explain post-menopause Libido to your Partner

I don’t know about you, but I’m subscribed to a number of channels dedicated to menopause contents, which is both professionally and personally something I wish to stay up to date with. However, ‘menopause fatigue’ has a slightly different meaning for me by now – I find myself sighing inwardly when the topic comes up, particularly the endless discussions about HRT or no HRT, and which one, and vaginal dryness and what to do about it. Not that it’s not important of course.

It takes unusual or non-conformist approaches that get me interested these days, such as my non-binary friend who surprised their partner with a newly found ravenous sex drive after coaxing a testosterone-only prescription out of her reluctant doctor (ahem – maybe don’t…), or another lady who developed an appetite for sex like never before, at 66, after Tantra training. Ooh…

Libido declining? 

For the majority of post menopausal women, libido ‘declines politely’, at least somewhat. My colleague Ruby May wrote a Substack about dating without libido , and her personal experiences, but what about being with a partner and needing to explain your new state of desire, or lack of it?

‘What I need sexually is not so much this these days”, says another colleague, and makes a gesture of poking her index finger into her closed fist repeatedly. Refraining from penetrative sex altogether is not something that sits well with most male partners. While some men may breathe a sigh of relief at not being required to perform for penetrative sex any more, others feel that rejection of penis penetration equals rejection of love, expressed physically.

Menopause is one great obstacle to keeping up the frequency of penetrative sex, and a number of relationships go sexless at that point. While sexless relationships can be very happy ones, there is usually one partner who still desires sex, and you owe them at least a conversation, which can involve talking about relationship boundaries. Would you be happy for your partner to seek sexual fulfilment elsewhere, and where do you draw the line? Just ignoring your partner’s sexual desires, and refusing to talk about them, is not a kind thing to do in my opinion.

Partner Conversations about Sex

How do you have conversations about sex in the first place? Because of the sensitivity of the subject, please consider refraining from having conversations about sex in bed, at least from the ones that go beyond describing what you like (and then doing it).

Wait for a good moment, when you are both relaxed and happy. Get close. ‘Hey honey, I would like us to have a chat about sex. No worries, nothing awful. It should take about 30 minutes. Is now a good time?’ Unless you have employed that strategy before, your partner may think that you are initiating sex, in a new way. You may need to clarify that (“I really mean just talking, honey”). Also, your partner may get defensive immediately, expecting criticism. You may need to add something like this: “I love our lovemaking and I just wanted to have a chat about what you and I may desire, to make it even better.”

Your partner may have noticed you not initiating sex any more, and going for cuddles rather. They may also have noticed your lacklustre response to them initiating sex. Chances are they will take that personal even while knowing that menopause plays a role. They may also develop a somewhat gloomy outlook about continuing to have sex with you.

Responsive Desire and its Role

Most of you will have heard about responsive desire, which means going along with sexual advances and allowing for desire to arise in the actual encounter, even if your first response would be a No to sex.

Two factors are important for this: how does your partner initiate sex, or in other words, is the way they initiate, a turn-off in itself? ‘Hey, shall we have sex?’ may not be ideal, unless preceded by sensual touch and kissing. Don’t try the sensual touch when your partner is just trying to get on with something, be it household chores, or a piece of work that has a deadline.

The other factor is time. Because you may not feel horny to begin with, it may take some time to get you into the mood, and then into higher levels of arousal. Else, you may have achieved high arousal only when your partner is well past the finishing line. While scheduling intimate encounters that can lead to sex may be counterintuitive, this strategy however provides plenty of time to think ahead, about what you would like, and to get into the mood.

Scheduling ahead allows for browsing a sex shop, buying a new toy, finding some sensation objects around the house, arranging the bedroom to make it more sexually appealing, engaging with erotic art or literature, or for watching porn – I can recommend Make Love not Porn which is ethical, curated amateur porn, founded by a very cool lady, Cindy Gallop. You can watch it by yourself. It’s grouped according to genres. To watch with your partner I would suggest to research individually, select a few pieces, and then make a date to share what you’ve each found. Only do that if you are fairly sure your partner would like what you’ve found, too. Else, it’s watching by yourself that’s preferable.

Make Sex even Better?

Low libido after menopause can be a great opportunity to get back to the basics, and communicate with your partner about touch and turn-on, which can make your sex life better than ever before! Taking turns for giving and receiving can give each of you the space and opportunity to rediscover touch, especially when you start far away from primary erogenous zones.

I remember being a participant in a cuddle party in Arizona in 2015 where we asked to receive touch in groups of three at some point, and it excluded ‘sexual touch’. When I asked to have my hair stroked by the other two, it definitely felt really sexual, and I was getting quite turned on by it, so much so that I glanced around at the facilitator to make sure this was alright to do. Surprise yourself to discover new erogenous zones. I only discovered the erotic potential of touch (try fingernails) on the back of my knees in 2016 or so, and I feel strongly that there is always more to be found.

Bossy Massage for Couples

When working with couples, I often recommend a bossy massage. The receiver is the boss, and makes sure that they receive exactly what they would like. Set a timer, maybe 20 minutes? Then, swap. The giver can only user two words: ‘Like this?’ You can communicate about the area you would like to have touched, the direction, the speed and the pressure. Does featherlight touch, or air flow from breath (hot or cold?), feel best in this area? Do you want your partner to straddle your lower back? Or maybe some long slow luscious strokes from your feet to your shoulders (oil is good for this)? Or maybe you want your partner to poke their fingers between all of your toes? Scratch lightly with their fingernails up your inner arm? Take time to breathe the sensations to a deeper place. Have fun. Be surprised!

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR on Unsplash