My Spouse Doesn’t Understand My Fetish: Navigating Intimacy in Marriage

Sexual compatibility plays a pivotal role in romantic relationships and marriages. What happens if kinks or fetishes feature in one partner’s sexual turn-on? If your spouse doesn’t understand your kink or fetish, or worse, disapproves of it, navigating intimacy in your marriage or relationship can become tricky. Fetishes in particular can be a factor for desire discrepancies in marriages, and here is why.

What’s the difference between Kinks and Fetishes?

The opposite of kink is plain vanilla sex, which is what is understood by sex in a mainstream way. This definition is of course fluid. Some people regard oral sex as kinky, while for most in the Western world it’s considered mainstream. Similarly, certain sexual positions can be seen as kinky or not. In recent years, being extremely plain vanilla in your sexual preference can in itself be rated as kinky by some. Do you regard your sexual preferences as plain vanilla per se? Think again, because almost all of us have some kind of kinky turn-on, whether we currently engage with it or not.

A fetish which is an object or a specific body part or a situation that is sexually arousing. Many kinks can also be fetishes, however a fetish is considered more essential to arousal than kink is. Very little or no arousal may happen when the fetish is not engaged with, at least in fantasy. In other words, if your spouse doesn’t understand your fetish, you might indeed have a problem on your hands, because it’s core to your sexuality. Please talk to your partner about your fetish before your get married.

What are common fetishes?

Foot or Shoe Fetish

Also called podophilia, individuals with a foot fetish (usually male) experience sexual turn-ons by feet, toes and shoes (of females), which can be visual or via engaging with them. In a relationship where the male partner engages in podophilia, foreplay may need to include contact with feet which can be a desire for the female partner to wear certain shoes, massaging her feet or bathing them, or asking the female partner to put their feet on the male partner’s body. In penetrative sex, male partners may seek to at least look at their partner’s feet in order to climax, or may want to abstain from penetrative sex altogether. Foot fetishes may have a neurophysiological factor, because feet and genitals occupy adjacent areas in the brain’s somatosensory cortex.

Latex, Rubber or Leather Fetish

Sometimes, materials like latex, rubber or leather can be fetishes. While the material itself and sometimes the smell of it can be a turn-on, the focus is usually on clothing items worn by your partner. Higher arousal or climax may be impossible without these fetish garments involved in some way.

Voyeurism and Exhibitionism

While both voyeurism and exhibitions can be kinks, and exist as occasional turn-ons in a range of others, both can also be fetishes. Voyeurism constitutes sexual arousal when watching other people engaged in sex or undressing, usually without being seen and without their knowledge. Exhibitionism means sexually exposing oneself to unsuspecting others. The issue with both is lack of consent, and exhibitionism strongly feeds on the surprise element, too, and causing distress and alarm. Any sexual behaviour which involves others without their consent is unethical and could be illegal in the UK. Both of these can safely be role-played with consenting partners. Dogging, which involves solo or partner sex in public but mostly hidden away meeting places where both voyeurism and exhibitionism could be involved, is in a legal grey zone.

Fetish Sexuality and Marriage in Somatic Sex Education

As a Somatic Sexologist I deal with both kinks and fetishes in my practice. Fetishes in particular can cause desire discrepancy in marriages, particularly if the marriage is exclusive.

In my experience, there are two scenarios: Partners may find their fetish unacceptable and never even mention it to their partner. This is actually more frequently the case with kinks. Other partners try their utmost to interest their spouse in their fetish, and while their partners may initially play along, their willingness often diminishes longer term, because the fetish is not a turn-on for them, and may become repulsive as a result. This can lead to arguments, and loss of intimacy. Fetishes are core to one partner’s sexuality and can’t just be done away with. The partner who engages in fetish sexuality does not know what to do, and both partners can feel lonely and distant from each other. A number of marriages go sexless at this point.

For somatic sexology, a learning or development goal is paramount. When working with the partner with fetish sexuality by themselves, it’s important to make them feel accepted and explore their turn-ons, because they may have been shamed by their partners, or feel guilty for causing conflict. Somatic sexology is a body-based discipline, and we aim at sensation awareness during arousal which can be lacking in fetish sexuality. Secondly, we look at ways to re-establish partner intimacy, and possibilities to engage with their fetish, too. Communication skills are required, to make sure that both understand their partner, without blaming or shaming.

I work with individuals and couples, feel free to get in touch to arrange an initial session.

Photo by Mila Vasileva on Unsplash