Introduction
Sexual compatibility plays a vital role in any romantic relationship or marriage. But what happens when kinks or fetishes are central to one partner’s sexual experience, and the other doesn’t quite understand—or worse, disapproves? Navigating intimacy can become tricky, leading to disconnect and frustration. Let’s explore why fetishes, in particular, can impact relationships and how to approach this conversation with understanding and care.
Kinks vs. Fetishes: What’s the Difference?
Kinks are sexual preferences or activities that go beyond what’s considered “mainstream” or vanilla. This definition is flexible—what’s considered vanilla to one person might seem kinky to another. For example, while oral sex is viewed as standard in many Western contexts, it may be seen as adventurous elsewhere. The point is, most of us have some level of kink, whether we embrace it or not. Fetishes, on the other hand, are more specific. They involve objects, body parts, or scenarios that are essential for sexual arousal. Unlike kinks, fetishes can feel core to one’s sexuality—arousal might not happen at all without engaging with the fetish, even in fantasy. This is why if your partner doesn’t understand your fetish, it can create tension. Fetishes aren’t just preferences; they’re deeply intertwined with desire and pleasure.
Common Fetishes Explained
Understanding the most common fetishes can help demystify them and open the door to compassionate conversations.
1. Foot or Shoe Fetish
Also known as podophilia, this fetish involves sexual arousal from feet, toes, or shoes—often in visual or tactile ways. For some, this might mean enjoying foot massages or admiring specific footwear during intimacy. Others may need direct interaction with feet or shoes to feel fully aroused or satisfied. Interestingly, this fetish may have a neurophysiological component, as the brain areas responsible for feet and genital sensations sit side by side in the somatosensory cortex.
2. Latex, Rubber, or Leather Fetish
Materials like latex, rubber, or leather can trigger intense arousal, especially when incorporated into clothing. For those with this fetish, the texture, appearance, or even the smell of these materials can become central to their sexual experience.
3. Voyeurism and Exhibitionism Voyeurism
Sexual arousal from watching others undress or engage in sexual activities, often without their knowledge. Exhibitionism: Gaining pleasure from exposing oneself sexually to unsuspecting people. While both can be fetishes, they raise important consent concerns. Non-consensual voyeurism and exhibitionism are unethical and often illegal in the UK. That said, couples can role-play these dynamics safely and consensually. Activities like dogging—where public sex is combined with voyeuristic and exhibitionist elements—exist in a legal grey area but require mutual agreement and care.
Why Fetishes Can Impact Intimacy in Marriage
As a Somatic Sexologist, I see how fetishes can create desire discrepancies—when one partner’s needs don’t align with the other’s desires. From my experience, there are two common scenarios:
- Silent Fetishes: Some people feel their fetish is unacceptable, so they never mention it to their partner. This is often true for kinks, too.
- Unbalanced Effort: Others try to share their fetish with their partner. Initially, the partner may be willing to engage, but over time, it can become less appealing—even repulsive—if it’s not a turn-on for them. In both cases, the result can be arguments, a loss of intimacy, and even sexless marriages. Fetishes can’t simply be ignored—they’re central to how some individuals experience pleasure.
When these needs aren’t met, both partners may feel lonely and misunderstood.
How Somatic Sexology Can Help
Somatic sexology offers a compassionate, body-based approach to these challenges.
My work focuses on three key areas:
- Accepting and Understanding Fetishes
For individuals who’ve been shamed or feel guilty, the first step is acceptance. Exploring what turns you on—without judgement—is vital for healing and self-awareness. - Building Sensation Awareness
Fetishes often rely on specific triggers, which can limit broader sensations of arousal. Through somatic practices, we explore how to reconnect with bodily sensations and expand the experience of pleasure. - Improving Communication and Rebuilding Intimacy: Open, blame-free communication is essential. Together, we work on creating conversations that help both partners understand each other’s needs. We also explore ways to integrate the fetish—where possible—into intimacy in ways that feel safe and enjoyable for both.
Moving Forward Together
Fetishes don’t have to be a source of shame or disconnection. With curiosity, communication, and professional support, couples can find ways to honour each other’s needs while maintaining intimacy and trust.
If you’re struggling with a fetish in your relationship, I’m here to help. I work with individuals and couples to navigate these challenges safely and respectfully.
Feel free to get in touch to arrange an initial session—let’s find a way forward together.