Stop Arguing: 3 Powerful Reframing Techniques for Couples

Our emotions shape our reality. When couples come to see me, they may have been trying to solve their differences for quite a while, either in couples therapy or by themselves, and focus on the issues they see me about. While I take their issues and their learning goals and intentions seriously, it often helps to remember why they take all this work and expenses upon themselves. In this context, I’m aiming to open up a new – yet old – perspective for their situation. They’re seeing me because there is a lot at stake, their love and deep connection. While they might solely focus on the issues they have, I might ask questions to make them remember and feel their love bond. What do you appreciate about your relationship? What’s going really well? In other words, while they frame their current situation as having issues that they need help with, it helps to see the situation through a different lens. We are reframing the situation from a perspective of love and caring. Here are 3 powerful reframing techniques that might help you stop arguing.

What’s the difference between framing and reframing?

There are a number of statements that we hold true about ourselves and our partner. We frame our reality with these mental constructs and verbal statements. However, as Arthur Conan Doyle noted, “there is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact”. You could go as far as saying that every framing requires reframing to have a more complete perspective on reality. Framing is how we naturally interpret situations based on our beliefs and experiences. Reframing involves altering this narrative to see the same event through a different lens, which can lead to more harmonious interactions. Framing your partner with ‘never and ‘always’ statements can be reframed via a ‘perhaps’ statement.

Framing and reframing: “She never cleans the kitchen.”

“He always…” and “she never…” are powerful frames of couple reality. Not only may we be frustrated about our partner and household chores, but also we create enduring reality by making statements like that, even just in our heads. Is your thought really true? Emotions are real enough, and need to be felt. Don’t use reframing to talk yourself out of your emotions! While there may be a real necessity to share the burden of managing the household better, statements like the above are never the full truth. What is more, they lead to resentment, and defensiveness when expressed verbally. As soon as you frame your couple reality like above verbally, prepare yourself for an argument. You always, and you never, are not the full truth. Ever. Challenge your initial framing by asking yourself: is there perhaps another way to see this?

Reframing in Desire Discrepancy

Let me give an example of a clash of erotic preferences. Say, you really like sexy and revealing outfits to turn you on, be it lingerie or fetish wear. I means a lot to you, and you spend considerable time and money to pick the outfits and make sure they fit and suit you, in the hope that your partner will appreciate them as well. Time and time again, however, your partner politely appreciates the effort you have put into your outfit, but also tries to get the outfit off you as soon as possible, to get you naked, and proceed from there. Your framing could then be: I really like my outfits and my partner just doesn’t appreciate them. There is technically nothing wrong with this. It’s one version of reality. It may even be true, however it’s not the whole truth. What is more, this statement probably brings up sadness and frustration for you, or rather, your framing ADDS to the sadness and frustration you feel in these situations. Here is what reframing could look like: “My partner likes my naked body so much that sexy outfits just seem to get in the way of them enjoying it.” Or “I don’t need sexy outfits for my partner to get turned on.” Instead of focussing on how your partner doesn’t appreciate (your outfits), we turn it into noticing a preference, because your partner really appreciates your naked body.

Reframing as a starting point for Requests

Reframing is a technique that can help us leave entrenched positions, and opens us up to simply seeing differences in perceptions and desires. When we achieve understanding, caring and love, we are at the point of making requests. In the examples above, they can sound like this: ‘I noticed that when I cleaned the kitchen yesterday I was feeling frustrated and angry with you. Would you be open to having a chat about how we handle chores?’ Can you see that this is expressed as an “I” statement, resulting in a request? This means that there is no need for your partner to feel accused and get defensive. Similarly, we could approach the desire discrepancy like this: ‘I know sexy outfits are really important to me, and not so much for you. They really turn me on. I also really appreciate that you love my naked body as it is. Would you be open to me wearing my outfit for longer when we start making love, and taking it off gradually?’ In couples counselling there is a term for this: Effective Need Management. Well done for cultivating excellent communication practices in your relationship.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash