Introduction
Usually we would assume that men have higher sex drives in heterosexual relationships, but it can also be the woman partner who has a higher libido. Please don’t assume. Mismatched sex drives is an extremely frequent issue that clients present when in relationships, be they heterosexual or same sex ones. Libidos could differ when the relationship starts out, or later on. When libidos differ at the start of the relationship, chances are that sex drives will differ even more in the course of the relationship. No worries – there is no reason to feel bad when your partner has a higher sex drive.
Mismatched libido after the honeymoon period
From 6 months up to two years into the relationship, the frequency of sex will usually change, and become less. This is a completely normal phenomenon, and it is also at the time where mismatched sex drives might first show up. While you may have become much more familiar with each other, and comfortable about speaking out, one partner may start to avoid innuendos that may lead to sex. What’s really important in this period is to know that this change is normal. Sex need not deteriorate, it will just be different. This is the time to start conversations about sex, and frequency – not when sex is imminent, though. Have you tried a number of times to speak to your partner about their higher sex drive, and they always ward you off? Here are a few email drafts that you might find useful when talking doesn’t seem to work.
Desire Discrepancy
Does your partner have a higher sex drive than you? This is also called desire discrepancy. When working with couples, I usually ask them how often they have sex, and how often they would like to have sex. It’s quite wonderful to see that their sex frequency aim is often not very different. One partner may want sex twice a week, and the other just once a fortnight. Many times, both partners are quite happy to settle on a compromise. In the example I gave, it would be aiming at once a week. Once that’s clear, I often talk about practicalities. This includes both partner’s work schedules, stress levels, and children and privacy. Depending on the age of the children, Saturday or Sunday mornings – maybe after a cuppa – could be great times to lock the bedroom door, provided the children are happily occupied. In terms of frequency of sex, it’s important to be realistic. Late night encounters often make for bad or rushed sex because you are both tired, and your body will override your best intentions. How much time can you realistically dedicate to sex and privacy, without compromising on sleep? Some parents find that they just need to schedule weekends away for sex to be well rested and have privacy.
Having good sex
No partner wants to have repeat encounters of sub standard sex. It’s a reason to shy away from sex when if gets predictable and boring, or when desires are just not met. Schedule regular conversations where you can discuss how to cater to each partner’s desires. You can browse ethical porn sites together for ideas, book in for an erotic workshop, or look for a new sex toy for either or both of you. How do you initiate sex? Have a discussion about how to bring each other into the mood. Have a session with me to get new ideas about initiating sex that you both like.
Intimacy and Trust, and Sex Drive
Unspoken issues and stress levels may get in the way of sexual intimacy. Make sure that your partner feels they can speak out. It’s often just about listening, so don’t feel compelled to offer solutions. Intimacy does not start in the bedroom, even though women’s and men’s need differ a little bit in this department. Men usually need to have sex to feel close, and women need to feel emotional intimacy to be up for sex. Remember – Esther Perel says that foreplay begins after having sex, and eroticism can be cultivated in daily life.
Mismatched libido after major life events
I will dedicate a special blog post to sex after having babies, but there may be more life events that could affect libido. I’ve mentioned stress already, and grief after a loved one passed away is very similar. Peaceful and beautiful surroundings can be very important to female partners, as is privacy. Illnesses can affect sex drive in a negative way, also caring for a partner in poor health. That brings us to menopause. Perimenopause and menopause can be major factors in at least temporarily diminishing sex drive. Symptoms can range from non-existent to hellish, and lack of sleep can be a real disruptor of libido. Menopause is a chance to re-adjust life, finding an optimal exercise routine, reduce stress, and optimise nutrition. Make sure the sleeping arrangements are optimal. If you share a bed, have you considered separate bedrooms? No-one has a high sex drive when they suffer from lack of sleep. A number of post-menopausal women report that they only feel sexual when actually being in a sexual situation. Allow your partner to initiate, to get into the mood.
Work with me to find back to a satisfying sex life.